It’s not over until it’s over

We had a row tonight. We haven’t had that many lately, so it was a bit out of the blue.

We were at a out of town shopping centre and after it closed, we got something to eat and started to drive home. Helpfully, they’d closed the bit of road I needed and hadn’t put up any diversion signs. I finally got going where I was going but I was tired and a bit under the weather and really didn’t need a 50 minute scrabble and diversion so we ended up picking at each other. The picking turned to fighting.

I’m aware that he’s not at his best either but sometimes these discussions just happen. In the six and a bit years I’ve known him, he has always threatened to leave. He means in a going missing kind of way. He asked me if I could cope with that better now. I started to cry and said that he was being stupid and that would never be ok. I said I would always look for him and it would never stop. I said it was a horrible, selfish, hurtful thing to do and it didn’t matter when, it would always be that. My mum’s first husband vanished and she still wonders, nearly 50 years later, what happened to him.

This disappearing thing is always his go to place. It’s always upset me and it feels like this threat being lorded over me. It’s one of the main reasons we broke up in the beginning. I couldn’t feel safe and secure knowing he just might go if he felt like it. I think you need to have some security in a relationship and he didn’t ever provide me with a single shred. My mum thinks it’s hot air and he’s just sounding off. It’s so hurtful and deeply distressing and it’s hard for me see past that. He says he’d tell me he was safe but that isn’t acceptable. I’ve known suicide but I haven’t had anyone just leave so I don’t know if they are similar but I expect so.

I keep telling him that he has to take himself with him, if he left. He wouldn’t suddenly stop being bipolar if he moved and changed his name. He wouldn’t miraculously be able to hold down a job or have a girlfriend. He said his biggest regret is that I know the real him. He said he wished that we’d never got close and that’s why he wants to leave. He wouldn’t then have our friendship anymore. That’s such an extremely hurtful thing to say. I’ve done everything I can to care and support him. I’ve loved him even when he’s cheated on me and always been there. It’s a shame he can’t be there for me in any way, ever.

It’s not over until it’s over

Jealousy

Chris is jealous. There isn’t anything I can do about it.

Thirteen years ago, just before I became a student, I had the presence of mind to buy a flat. It was a shitty hole but it was mine. As the years have gone on, I’ve improved it. Nothing is original now to when I bought it. I’ve just had it valued and it’s tripled in price. He is angry with me because I bought and he didn’t. I only met him six years ago! I’m not quite sure what he expects me to do. He jokes about me being loaded. Of course, it isn’t real money. I am going to sell it, but I have to buy something else. I’m not suddenly going to be wealthy. I have to buy a place smaller than this so I’m actually downsizing. Still, that isn’t good enough.

We had a fight tonight, in a supermarket car park, about my flat. He stayed here once and didn’t look after it. I told him that I was now having to put right his damage but he wouldn’t accept any responsibility. He just went on about draughty windows and an erratic boiler, both of which have now been replaced. He stormed off and got a taxi home, despite me offering an olive branch and staying in the car park. He has sent me the obligatory vile text(s). I haven’t read them and have turned my phone off. Always having to have the last word, he took to Facebook. I replied asking if he really wanted to air this in public. He usually deletes my comments. This time he’s deleted me.

I don’t really get it. He has had significantly more money than me in his life. His family had money and mine didn’t. This has turned out, in the end, to be a good choice but for the six or seven years my flat was in negative equity, it didn’t feel like a good choice. When I ended up in court for not being able to pay my service charge, it didn’t feel like a positive. I couldn’t afford to live in it then and the rent I got didn’t cover the mortgage and service charge. Around the same time I was almost declared bankrupt. My mortgage provider decided to try and recall the loan, twice, and it felt like a fucking millstone then. I had so many suicidal thoughts. I ended up in a psychiatric hospital a couple of times.

Why can’t he just be supportive for once? Why can’t he be pleased for me that it’s actually worked out?

Jealousy

Dinner failure

I never know when the outbursts are coming. They just appear without warning and I’m left wondering what the fuck is going on.

We were going to go out tonight. Nothing unusual. We see each other a lot. Rather than playing text ping pong, I rang him to ask where he wanted to go. “Anywhere. I don’t care. You choose.” I’ve been caught in this trap before. I means that he doesn’t know and I have to suggest 20 places for him to sneer at. I play along and suggest some places. None of them are good enough, as always. I suggested watching a film on Now TV. “I don’t have anything to play it on remember?!” He was burgled a few days ago but he didn’t tell me he’d lost his Roku box. I gently remind him of this and he starts yelling again. I then suggest I take my Now TV box over but he refuses.

“Oh, I know!” He jumps in with. “Let’s go to that cafe I like!” This particular place serves mostly fish, which I hate. There’s literally 3 things on the menu I can eat. I said we could go there but is it open on a Sunday. I get my iPad to check and he explodes. “I don’t fucking care if it’s open. Why can’t you be spontaneous? I just want to go there and find out. Why is that so fucking hard for you to understand?”

That’s all very well but this place is an hour’s drive away. I try to explain this but he is still screaming at me. I then told him to go out with someone else and he hung up on me. I’ve now received a text, which is standard. It is extremely abusive. He’s declared he doesn’t want to see me until I’m feeling better. I have to put up with his abuse but he can’t cope with me being mentally and physically tired.

Why is it so hard to just go out for dinner?

Dinner failure

Paranoia

It seems we are both suffering a bit from paranoia.

He’s worrying about his migration to PIP, because mine has been fairly unpleasant. His DLA award doesn’t run out until mid 2017 so he’s starting nice and early. I’ve tried to be calm and point out that we will know more about the process once I’ve been through it. There is nothing to say his experience will be worse either. We don’t have the same issues. Being rational is futile. Sadly, rational is my natural position concerning other people. Obviously it doesn’t apply to me.

I’m suffering too because of the seemingly never ending women. I’m usually better equipped to handle it but, due to my enhanced, PIP related, issues, I’m not coping well at all. He can’t (or won’t) support me, which is really hard to take. Every withheld number on my mobile makes me jumpy. If I fulfill their unknown arbitrary stipulations then will they give me back the pittance I’ve been living on for seven years? I’ve been told I should be grateful for getting an award and that I shouldn’t appeal. Why not? It’s wrong. They are literally torturing me.

I ask you, how do the criminal fraudsters do it? Being genuine is enough to push you over the edge but knowing you’re lying? That’s some balls.

Paranoia

Recent chat

Chris and I had a little chat tonight. These happen from time to time. He tends to change the subject fairly quickly and, depending on my mood, I either let him or not. I didn’t have to drag him back to topic though, which was unexpected.

I said I was concerned about another woman. That makes three in as many months. He said he wasn’t interested in her but they talk everyday and he flirts constantly with her. She knows I exist but that’s nearly always the case. It all sounds far too familiar to me. I said that the hardest thing for me was that it showed how unwell he was at this point in time. He tried to brush it off but I persisted. I also said that another woman, so soon after the last two, makes me feel rubbish. He said “but I come home to you.”

I’ll give him that. He’s right.

Recent chat

Being punished

It’s a fairly regular occurrence when Chris punishes me for something. This time my crime was to say that having sex with someone I know is unacceptable.

He’s just finished an amdram thing. I’ve been desperately waiting for it to be over as he has been horrendous. I’ve had to put up with so much, including moods, women, violent temper, screaming at me, being rude and aggressive and his excessive tiredness. I encouraged him to keep at it, despite the toll it was taking on both of us. Ultimately I felt it was good for his self esteem. I just grit my teeth and thought about when it was over.

We went to the after show party last night with a couple of our friends. As usual he kept vanishing. I told one of his mates about how we were together and that I was fed up of fielding all these women. He said Chris hadn’t told the group about me but I reminded his friend that I had. Chris came back eventually and said this girl had asked him out and that he’d said he was single and could go out with her. I told him to go and tell her he wasn’t single and tried to make a joke out of it. His friends were shocked he’d say such a lie to someone. Hopefully one of them will set her straight in the near future.

I drove us all home and dropped two of his mates at their place and carried on to Chris’s with me, him and a friend of mine who was staying at mine. Got to Chris’s house and he asked if we were coming in. I didn’t fancy it because of his earlier behaviour and I thought we’d end up in another fight. I was due to go to the last performance today and he declared he didn’t want me going. He went on to say that he didn’t want me to pick him up either, despite arranging that over a week ago. He became abusive and said “this isn’t working.” He got out of the car and went in. He always continues the abuse by text and I got a text within ten minutes of getting home. It told me he was fond of me but didn’t think it was going to work. I replied with that we should talk about it when we both weren’t so tired and stressed.

I haven’t heard from him at all today. He is punishing me for last night. I dared to say he couldn’t sleep with this girl (she is a girl and almost half his age). He does have sex sometimes with other women but the agreement is that I don’t know them and they are random strangers. This is someone who knows who I am and that makes me extremely uncomfortable. We spent the night together a few days ago, which was the first time in nearly two years. As soon as we start moving forward again, he has to treat me like shit again.

I’m at the point where I don’t know how much I can take. I’m not very well at the moment and I need a bit more consideration than usual. I am expecting this nightmare to be over soon because the show is finally over. I’m worried that as we’ve got closer he’s gone back to his old tricks. He used to be abusive when were together before. He used to try and control me and tell me who I could be friends with. He is trying to force me to be civil to the woman I’ve mentioned before. I told him I could choose my friends and she would never be one.

His behaviour is getting worse. I’m hoping it’s a symptom. If it isn’t or it doesn’t improve soon, we will have to part company. I can’t cope with it anymore. You’d think after nearly six years, he’d have finally learned that I’m not going anywhere. I’m tired of the constant tests.

Being punished