We had a row tonight. We haven’t had that many lately, so it was a bit out of the blue.
We were at a out of town shopping centre and after it closed, we got something to eat and started to drive home. Helpfully, they’d closed the bit of road I needed and hadn’t put up any diversion signs. I finally got going where I was going but I was tired and a bit under the weather and really didn’t need a 50 minute scrabble and diversion so we ended up picking at each other. The picking turned to fighting.
I’m aware that he’s not at his best either but sometimes these discussions just happen. In the six and a bit years I’ve known him, he has always threatened to leave. He means in a going missing kind of way. He asked me if I could cope with that better now. I started to cry and said that he was being stupid and that would never be ok. I said I would always look for him and it would never stop. I said it was a horrible, selfish, hurtful thing to do and it didn’t matter when, it would always be that. My mum’s first husband vanished and she still wonders, nearly 50 years later, what happened to him.
This disappearing thing is always his go to place. It’s always upset me and it feels like this threat being lorded over me. It’s one of the main reasons we broke up in the beginning. I couldn’t feel safe and secure knowing he just might go if he felt like it. I think you need to have some security in a relationship and he didn’t ever provide me with a single shred. My mum thinks it’s hot air and he’s just sounding off. It’s so hurtful and deeply distressing and it’s hard for me see past that. He says he’d tell me he was safe but that isn’t acceptable. I’ve known suicide but I haven’t had anyone just leave so I don’t know if they are similar but I expect so.
I keep telling him that he has to take himself with him, if he left. He wouldn’t suddenly stop being bipolar if he moved and changed his name. He wouldn’t miraculously be able to hold down a job or have a girlfriend. He said his biggest regret is that I know the real him. He said he wished that we’d never got close and that’s why he wants to leave. He wouldn’t then have our friendship anymore. That’s such an extremely hurtful thing to say. I’ve done everything I can to care and support him. I’ve loved him even when he’s cheated on me and always been there. It’s a shame he can’t be there for me in any way, ever.
Today, my crime is going to a friend’s house to help him fill in some paperwork.
I told Chris I was doing this last week. Yesterday his plans changed and he expected me to drop everything to come running. The same thing happened last week and I did change my plan but I wasn’t going to do it again. So, today he’s furious I’m going somewhere else.
I never know when the outbursts are coming. They just appear without warning and I’m left wondering what the fuck is going on.
We were going to go out tonight. Nothing unusual. We see each other a lot. Rather than playing text ping pong, I rang him to ask where he wanted to go. “Anywhere. I don’t care. You choose.” I’ve been caught in this trap before. I means that he doesn’t know and I have to suggest 20 places for him to sneer at. I play along and suggest some places. None of them are good enough, as always. I suggested watching a film on Now TV. “I don’t have anything to play it on remember?!” He was burgled a few days ago but he didn’t tell me he’d lost his Roku box. I gently remind him of this and he starts yelling again. I then suggest I take my Now TV box over but he refuses.
“Oh, I know!” He jumps in with. “Let’s go to that cafe I like!” This particular place serves mostly fish, which I hate. There’s literally 3 things on the menu I can eat. I said we could go there but is it open on a Sunday. I get my iPad to check and he explodes. “I don’t fucking care if it’s open. Why can’t you be spontaneous? I just want to go there and find out. Why is that so fucking hard for you to understand?”
That’s all very well but this place is an hour’s drive away. I try to explain this but he is still screaming at me. I then told him to go out with someone else and he hung up on me. I’ve now received a text, which is standard. It is extremely abusive. He’s declared he doesn’t want to see me until I’m feeling better. I have to put up with his abuse but he can’t cope with me being mentally and physically tired.
Why is it so hard to just go out for dinner?
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to want to know what’s been happening in Paris. Chris, however, disagrees.
We’ve been watching a film while this all unfolded. When the film was over, I asked him to turn over to BBC News 24 so I could see what has happened. He started shouting at me about why should I, or he, care about dead French people. He doesn’t give a fuck about anyone, so he’s glad they are dead. He then turned his PC on to signal the end of the discussion.
I fucking hate him sometimes.