I’ve met someone. It feels really weird.
I was asked out on a date by one of my Facebook friends who I hadn’t met before. I decided I didn’t have anything to lose and went. I hadn’t laughed so much in ages. The short version is that we’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months now. I know that crosses over with ending it with Chris but our relationship is too complicated to say I was cheating. He also knew I’d met up with Tom.
I’ve clearly been severely damaged by Chris. I hate that so much. I’m perpetually frightened about this new chap cheating on me and I’m constantly suspicious. I’m rather overweight at the moment and I can’t believe he finds me attractive. In the last 15 years I have yoyoed repeatedly, losing and gaining the same 8 stone in a never ending cycle. Chris has always been vile to me over my weight. I’m far too shy to ask Tom if we are now an item as the fear of rejection is overwhelming. I do my very best to keep this all in my head.
I am actually quite happy at the moment. Not having someone constantly pick at me is refreshing.
It’s a fairly regular occurrence when Chris punishes me for something. This time my crime was to say that having sex with someone I know is unacceptable.
He’s just finished an amdram thing. I’ve been desperately waiting for it to be over as he has been horrendous. I’ve had to put up with so much, including moods, women, violent temper, screaming at me, being rude and aggressive and his excessive tiredness. I encouraged him to keep at it, despite the toll it was taking on both of us. Ultimately I felt it was good for his self esteem. I just grit my teeth and thought about when it was over.
We went to the after show party last night with a couple of our friends. As usual he kept vanishing. I told one of his mates about how we were together and that I was fed up of fielding all these women. He said Chris hadn’t told the group about me but I reminded his friend that I had. Chris came back eventually and said this girl had asked him out and that he’d said he was single and could go out with her. I told him to go and tell her he wasn’t single and tried to make a joke out of it. His friends were shocked he’d say such a lie to someone. Hopefully one of them will set her straight in the near future.
I drove us all home and dropped two of his mates at their place and carried on to Chris’s with me, him and a friend of mine who was staying at mine. Got to Chris’s house and he asked if we were coming in. I didn’t fancy it because of his earlier behaviour and I thought we’d end up in another fight. I was due to go to the last performance today and he declared he didn’t want me going. He went on to say that he didn’t want me to pick him up either, despite arranging that over a week ago. He became abusive and said “this isn’t working.” He got out of the car and went in. He always continues the abuse by text and I got a text within ten minutes of getting home. It told me he was fond of me but didn’t think it was going to work. I replied with that we should talk about it when we both weren’t so tired and stressed.
I haven’t heard from him at all today. He is punishing me for last night. I dared to say he couldn’t sleep with this girl (she is a girl and almost half his age). He does have sex sometimes with other women but the agreement is that I don’t know them and they are random strangers. This is someone who knows who I am and that makes me extremely uncomfortable. We spent the night together a few days ago, which was the first time in nearly two years. As soon as we start moving forward again, he has to treat me like shit again.
I’m at the point where I don’t know how much I can take. I’m not very well at the moment and I need a bit more consideration than usual. I am expecting this nightmare to be over soon because the show is finally over. I’m worried that as we’ve got closer he’s gone back to his old tricks. He used to be abusive when were together before. He used to try and control me and tell me who I could be friends with. He is trying to force me to be civil to the woman I’ve mentioned before. I told him I could choose my friends and she would never be one.
His behaviour is getting worse. I’m hoping it’s a symptom. If it isn’t or it doesn’t improve soon, we will have to part company. I can’t cope with it anymore. You’d think after nearly six years, he’d have finally learned that I’m not going anywhere. I’m tired of the constant tests.
Over the years, I’ve put up with many, many obsessive fans of Chris’s. They see him performing and think they fall in love with him. I generally just ignore these people. Sometimes they find me on Facebook and try and engage me in conversation. Occasionally they try and friend request me.
I woke up today to a friend request from the latest one of these obsessive women. I tend to ignore these people but this one has pissed me off to the extreme. It has taken every strength of my being to not send her a message, ripping her a new arsehole. In some ways, it isn’t her fault. She doesn’t understand our relationship but I understand hers. She’s a bored, married housewife and Chris represents something exciting. She wants to leave her husband for him despite only meeting him about two months ago. She “knows” him. Well, I don’t “know” him after five and a half years so I think she’s deluded. He ditched one stalker only a couple of weeks ago when she turned up where his friends were after he told her he didn’t want to introduce her to them. I’m normally fine with these women until they get involved in my life. She has now has that dubious honour but he isn’t ready to get shot of her yet.
Chris has been swinging dramatically between highs and lows for the last six weeks or so, which is why there are so many women. There have been no times where his mood has been stable. We went to see his GP yesterday, who is considering referring him back to the psychiatrist. He upped his meds in the mean time. It’s hard to be there when he is parading these women in front of me and being so difficult all the rest of the time. Sometimes I need a bit of support and someone to tell me that it will all be ok. I have builders in my flat at the moment and my mother, who is the cornerstone of my support network, is away.