This is all kinds of crazy and fucked up. I guess I’ve never really had someone else’s opinion on Chris’s behaviour before.
I’m in a relationship now with a guy called Charlie. We met in January on OK Cupid and I’m extremely happy. He is a good guy and is always lovely to me. A few weeks ago, we went out on a date to the cinema. Chris worked out where we were going, and what time, and turned up. He started shouting at me that he wanted me back. Charlie and I left the cinema. Chris followed us. I spoke to him and then we ducked into a pub.
I was left feeling really traumatised and anxious. Charlie called the police a few days later and started this nightmare merry go round I’m stuck on. I’ve had people from various agencies contact me. I’m now on some register as an abused woman. I’m struggling with it all. In amongst all this, I’m trying to be normal when I see Chris and trying not to upset Charlie.
I feel trapped. I still care about Chris. I still look after him. His behaviour was so bad that I can’t just ignore it. He doesn’t love me any more. In fact, I’m not sure he ever did! I’ve given him so many chances. I can’t keep doing that. I don’t love him like that anyway.
I can’t seem to hold on to any thought for longer than a few seconds at the moment. Surgery is a little over two weeks away. The new chap and I have decided we are in a relationship (after I plucked up the courage to ask). Chris is looking for a new home after being evicted by his new landlord, who wants to put the rent up by around 50%, and I’ve taken my flat off the market.
I’m quite happy currently with Tom. We have nice times together and we are sexually compatible. I see him a few times a week. Lately we have gone to his more than mine. I can’t sleep there and I have experienced a severe allergic reaction to his sofa. I had to ask him if I could replace it as I really can’t live covered in hundreds of itchy red blotches. He is struggling to find work, which is getting him down.
He’s also really worried about my surgery. I had made a conscious decision to not look for a new partner until it was over with as I didn’t want to put them through it. He came about at a lousy time and I feel terrible for him but he understands why. He says I’m gorgeous as I am, which is, of course, lovely to hear, even if I think he’s deluded. Chris, on the other hand, doesn’t want to see me during the pre-op diet (which I start on Monday), or for a few weeks after. Somehow this means he’s being supportive!
I’m nervous about it. I’m scared for the future as food has been so important throughout my life. My friends are taking me out for my last meals. I think they are more upset by it than I am. I think, in general, things are pretty good for me right now. I’m not used to that. I have been through hell to get here. It would be nice if I could relax and enjoy it, but I know that will never happen!
I mentioned in my last post about being overweight. I’ve been waiting for two years for weight loss surgery and today I was told it will be in a month or so. I’m pleased but also terrified. I’ve never had major surgery before.
I’ve met someone. It feels really weird.
I was asked out on a date by one of my Facebook friends who I hadn’t met before. I decided I didn’t have anything to lose and went. I hadn’t laughed so much in ages. The short version is that we’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months now. I know that crosses over with ending it with Chris but our relationship is too complicated to say I was cheating. He also knew I’d met up with Tom.
I’ve clearly been severely damaged by Chris. I hate that so much. I’m perpetually frightened about this new chap cheating on me and I’m constantly suspicious. I’m rather overweight at the moment and I can’t believe he finds me attractive. In the last 15 years I have yoyoed repeatedly, losing and gaining the same 8 stone in a never ending cycle. Chris has always been vile to me over my weight. I’m far too shy to ask Tom if we are now an item as the fear of rejection is overwhelming. I do my very best to keep this all in my head.
I am actually quite happy at the moment. Not having someone constantly pick at me is refreshing.
We had a row tonight. We haven’t had that many lately, so it was a bit out of the blue.
We were at a out of town shopping centre and after it closed, we got something to eat and started to drive home. Helpfully, they’d closed the bit of road I needed and hadn’t put up any diversion signs. I finally got going where I was going but I was tired and a bit under the weather and really didn’t need a 50 minute scrabble and diversion so we ended up picking at each other. The picking turned to fighting.
I’m aware that he’s not at his best either but sometimes these discussions just happen. In the six and a bit years I’ve known him, he has always threatened to leave. He means in a going missing kind of way. He asked me if I could cope with that better now. I started to cry and said that he was being stupid and that would never be ok. I said I would always look for him and it would never stop. I said it was a horrible, selfish, hurtful thing to do and it didn’t matter when, it would always be that. My mum’s first husband vanished and she still wonders, nearly 50 years later, what happened to him.
This disappearing thing is always his go to place. It’s always upset me and it feels like this threat being lorded over me. It’s one of the main reasons we broke up in the beginning. I couldn’t feel safe and secure knowing he just might go if he felt like it. I think you need to have some security in a relationship and he didn’t ever provide me with a single shred. My mum thinks it’s hot air and he’s just sounding off. It’s so hurtful and deeply distressing and it’s hard for me see past that. He says he’d tell me he was safe but that isn’t acceptable. I’ve known suicide but I haven’t had anyone just leave so I don’t know if they are similar but I expect so.
I keep telling him that he has to take himself with him, if he left. He wouldn’t suddenly stop being bipolar if he moved and changed his name. He wouldn’t miraculously be able to hold down a job or have a girlfriend. He said his biggest regret is that I know the real him. He said he wished that we’d never got close and that’s why he wants to leave. He wouldn’t then have our friendship anymore. That’s such an extremely hurtful thing to say. I’ve done everything I can to care and support him. I’ve loved him even when he’s cheated on me and always been there. It’s a shame he can’t be there for me in any way, ever.
I had my tribunal on Wednesday. I won. They will backdate the money they erroneously stole off me.
The joy was short lived. Chris got an ESA50 form on Friday. He is now panicking that the same thing is going to happen to him. I have explained that he has a lot of evidence and it’s a continuation of an existing benefit, not being transferred to a new one. Obviously I am worried but I don’t think that’s going to help so I’m keeping that under my hat.
In other news, he actually apologised for his behaviour in the supermarket car park. He remembered my tribunal was on Wednesday and sent me a message the night before. I’m really impressed he managed to do that.
Chris is jealous. There isn’t anything I can do about it.
Thirteen years ago, just before I became a student, I had the presence of mind to buy a flat. It was a shitty hole but it was mine. As the years have gone on, I’ve improved it. Nothing is original now to when I bought it. I’ve just had it valued and it’s tripled in price. He is angry with me because I bought and he didn’t. I only met him six years ago! I’m not quite sure what he expects me to do. He jokes about me being loaded. Of course, it isn’t real money. I am going to sell it, but I have to buy something else. I’m not suddenly going to be wealthy. I have to buy a place smaller than this so I’m actually downsizing. Still, that isn’t good enough.
We had a fight tonight, in a supermarket car park, about my flat. He stayed here once and didn’t look after it. I told him that I was now having to put right his damage but he wouldn’t accept any responsibility. He just went on about draughty windows and an erratic boiler, both of which have now been replaced. He stormed off and got a taxi home, despite me offering an olive branch and staying in the car park. He has sent me the obligatory vile text(s). I haven’t read them and have turned my phone off. Always having to have the last word, he took to Facebook. I replied asking if he really wanted to air this in public. He usually deletes my comments. This time he’s deleted me.
I don’t really get it. He has had significantly more money than me in his life. His family had money and mine didn’t. This has turned out, in the end, to be a good choice but for the six or seven years my flat was in negative equity, it didn’t feel like a good choice. When I ended up in court for not being able to pay my service charge, it didn’t feel like a positive. I couldn’t afford to live in it then and the rent I got didn’t cover the mortgage and service charge. Around the same time I was almost declared bankrupt. My mortgage provider decided to try and recall the loan, twice, and it felt like a fucking millstone then. I had so many suicidal thoughts. I ended up in a psychiatric hospital a couple of times.
Why can’t he just be supportive for once? Why can’t he be pleased for me that it’s actually worked out?