Erratic thoughts

I can’t seem to hold on to any thought for longer than a few seconds at the moment.¬†Surgery is a little over two weeks away. The new chap and I have decided we are in a relationship (after I plucked up the courage to ask). Chris is looking for a new home after being evicted by his new landlord, who wants to put the rent up by around 50%, and I’ve taken my flat off the market.

I’m quite happy currently with Tom. We have nice times together and we are sexually compatible. I see him a few times a week. Lately we have gone to his more than mine. I can’t sleep there and I have experienced a severe allergic reaction to his sofa. I had to ask him if I could replace it as I really can’t live covered in hundreds of itchy red blotches. He is struggling to find work, which is getting him down.

He’s also really worried about my surgery. I had made a conscious decision to not look for a new partner until it was over with as I didn’t want to put them through it. He came about at a lousy time and I feel terrible for him but he understands why. He says I’m gorgeous as I am, which is, of course, lovely to hear, even if I think he’s deluded. Chris, on the other hand, doesn’t want to see me during the pre-op diet (which I start on Monday), or for a few weeks after. Somehow this means he’s being supportive!

I’m nervous about it. I’m scared for the future as food has been so important throughout my life. My friends are taking me out for my last meals. I think they are more upset by it than I am. I think, in general, things are pretty good for me right now. I’m not used to that. I have been through hell to get here. It would be nice if I could relax and enjoy it, but I know that will never happen!

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Erratic thoughts

Moving on

I’ve met someone. It feels really weird.

I was asked out on a date by one of my Facebook friends who I hadn’t met before. I decided I didn’t have anything to lose and went. I hadn’t laughed so much in ages. The short version is that we’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months now. I know that crosses over with ending it with Chris but our relationship is too complicated to say I was cheating. He also knew I’d met up with Tom.

I’ve clearly been severely damaged by Chris. I hate that so much. I’m perpetually frightened about this new chap cheating on me and I’m constantly suspicious. I’m rather overweight at the moment and I can’t believe he finds me attractive.¬†In the last 15 years I have yoyoed repeatedly, losing and gaining the same 8 stone in a never ending cycle. Chris has always been vile to me over my weight. I’m far too shy to ask Tom if we are now an item as the fear of rejection is overwhelming. I do my very best to keep this all in my head.

I am actually quite happy at the moment. Not having someone constantly pick at me is refreshing.

Moving on