Pretty shitty day

I do my best not to let Chris’s bipolar get me down but sometimes he pushes my buttons too much.

He’s away for the weekend at the moment and told me to feed his cat. I agreed, not that I really had a choice, but that’s not particularly important. I said I’d just do it on Saturday as he was leaving today and coming home on Sunday. He said he wanted him feeding today too, as he is fed twice a day. Rather than argue, I went there this evening.

I opened the door, walked into the kitchen and the cat’s bowls were empty. Got a pouch and some biscuits and put them down. As I went to put the rubbish in the bin, I saw his washing machine was full. I opened it and the washing was soaking wet. I thought how stupid he was for leaving wet washing and got a clothes airer to hang it on. As I was doing so, a pair of women’s knickers dropped on the floor. And then a little vest top. I was pretty sure I knew who they belonged to and I text him a picture with a comment of “care to explain these?” I got a defensive, shitty reply so I rang him.

He told me they belonged to a woman who, as he told me originally, had been stalking him. I said it was pretty weird to have her knickers in a current wash and reminded him that he said she stayed over about six months ago. He got abusive and started shouting at me. He said he’d put the washing on two weeks ago and what was my problem. I said washing smells in a machine if it’s left for two days but he carried on shouting and then started demanding to know why I’d emptied it anyway. I said it was because I thought how horrible it would be to come home to stinky, mouldy washing and he just kept saying his machine isn’t like that. Every machine is like that.

He then declared he didn’t have a mobile charger with him, and his phone was beeping, and would run out of battery any second. I couldn’t hear it beep, as I can usually, and then it disconnected. Often, when he hangs up, his phone rings me again. That is exactly what happened this time.

He lies to me frequently. I always know when he’s lying but I don’t always know what about. He is lying about this woman. He eventually said that she is another one of his projects. I’ve been through these before. He decides to “fix” these people. He can’t fix a plug (or himself) so I have no idea why he thinks he can help anyone. I’m just expected to put up with it and if I say anything, I get abuse.

At the moment all I am getting is the worst bits of him. I’m getting the tired, stressed, insecure, panicky him. In the mean time he goes away for a weekend leaving me behind and I’m still getting the shitty him. Yes, I’m jealous. I’m jealous of other people getting nice Chris. I’m jealous of this fucking woman getting the attention I should be getting. I don’t have a problem with him having sex or flirting with other women. I have managed to get over that. I mind them when they affect my life. This is affecting my life. I am desperately hurt. I’m rethinking our whole relationship.

Pretty shitty day