This is all kinds of crazy and fucked up. I guess I’ve never really had someone else’s opinion on Chris’s behaviour before.
I’m in a relationship now with a guy called Charlie. We met in January on OK Cupid and I’m extremely happy. He is a good guy and is always lovely to me. A few weeks ago, we went out on a date to the cinema. Chris worked out where we were going, and what time, and turned up. He started shouting at me that he wanted me back. Charlie and I left the cinema. Chris followed us. I spoke to him and then we ducked into a pub.
I was left feeling really traumatised and anxious. Charlie called the police a few days later and started this nightmare merry go round I’m stuck on. I’ve had people from various agencies contact me. I’m now on some register as an abused woman. I’m struggling with it all. In amongst all this, I’m trying to be normal when I see Chris and trying not to upset Charlie.
I feel trapped. I still care about Chris. I still look after him. His behaviour was so bad that I can’t just ignore it. He doesn’t love me any more. In fact, I’m not sure he ever did! I’ve given him so many chances. I can’t keep doing that. I don’t love him like that anyway.
I’m ok with V day. I’m not an overly romantic person, and I tell my beau what I think when I want to. I don’t need a special day to remind me. I’m also the kind of person who buys random bits for people if I think they’ll like them regardless of what day it is.
Chris is off to London today to go out with a woman he met in a bar at the weekend. Now he’s not lying to me constantly, I’m fine with it. We’ve had a couple of chats about the future over the last few days as I met a man on OKCupid a few weeks ago. Don’t get me wrong, we still scream at each other, but just not about other people.
Chris got a brown envelope of doom before Christmas. They are swapping him from DLA to PIP. Obviously he’s terrified, especially after what I went through. I also got one. They are swapping me onto ESA. We will have both been through both types of benefit reassessment within the last year, as has another friend. It’s easy to feel victimised. Chris is not handling it well and is worried about losing his home. I’ve managed to park my terror as I can’t see how being catatonic for anything up to a year will help anyone.
So happy Valentine’s day. I hope it’s a great day, or, at least, tolerable.
Well, I haven’t written anything for a while. I haven’t really had anything I needed to get off my chest but I thought I’d write an update.
Chris has been fairly stable. It’s been lovely actually. He moved in June and I think it’s done him the world of good. Sadly it coincided with my weight loss surgery so I couldn’t help but it’s a great place. He’s a bit further along the coast and has natural light in abundance. He’s waking up in the morning (rather than afternoon) and gets tired about midnight.
My surgery has been a success. I’ve lost over five and a half stone now and I’m starting to look, well, normal. I feel taller and look better. The best thing about it is that my asthma has completely disappeared and taken with it my chronic back pain, acid reflux and high blood pressure. I can walk again! I feel like a new person. Sadly Chris hasn’t been particularly supportive but I can’t say I’m shocked. He appears to fancy me again, which is really not good. We are not going on that merry-go-round again.
Three weeks ago the new man ended it. He said he didn’t see a future with me as his girlfriend. I, of course, already knew this. I didn’t have a problem with it and would have told him if he’d actually spoken to me but, he didn’t. I woke up to a Dear John text message.
Oh well. Next victim please. 😉
I can’t seem to hold on to any thought for longer than a few seconds at the moment. Surgery is a little over two weeks away. The new chap and I have decided we are in a relationship (after I plucked up the courage to ask). Chris is looking for a new home after being evicted by his new landlord, who wants to put the rent up by around 50%, and I’ve taken my flat off the market.
I’m quite happy currently with Tom. We have nice times together and we are sexually compatible. I see him a few times a week. Lately we have gone to his more than mine. I can’t sleep there and I have experienced a severe allergic reaction to his sofa. I had to ask him if I could replace it as I really can’t live covered in hundreds of itchy red blotches. He is struggling to find work, which is getting him down.
He’s also really worried about my surgery. I had made a conscious decision to not look for a new partner until it was over with as I didn’t want to put them through it. He came about at a lousy time and I feel terrible for him but he understands why. He says I’m gorgeous as I am, which is, of course, lovely to hear, even if I think he’s deluded. Chris, on the other hand, doesn’t want to see me during the pre-op diet (which I start on Monday), or for a few weeks after. Somehow this means he’s being supportive!
I’m nervous about it. I’m scared for the future as food has been so important throughout my life. My friends are taking me out for my last meals. I think they are more upset by it than I am. I think, in general, things are pretty good for me right now. I’m not used to that. I have been through hell to get here. It would be nice if I could relax and enjoy it, but I know that will never happen!
I mentioned in my last post about being overweight. I’ve been waiting for two years for weight loss surgery and today I was told it will be in a month or so. I’m pleased but also terrified. I’ve never had major surgery before.
I’ve met someone. It feels really weird.
I was asked out on a date by one of my Facebook friends who I hadn’t met before. I decided I didn’t have anything to lose and went. I hadn’t laughed so much in ages. The short version is that we’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months now. I know that crosses over with ending it with Chris but our relationship is too complicated to say I was cheating. He also knew I’d met up with Tom.
I’ve clearly been severely damaged by Chris. I hate that so much. I’m perpetually frightened about this new chap cheating on me and I’m constantly suspicious. I’m rather overweight at the moment and I can’t believe he finds me attractive. In the last 15 years I have yoyoed repeatedly, losing and gaining the same 8 stone in a never ending cycle. Chris has always been vile to me over my weight. I’m far too shy to ask Tom if we are now an item as the fear of rejection is overwhelming. I do my very best to keep this all in my head.
I am actually quite happy at the moment. Not having someone constantly pick at me is refreshing.
We had a row tonight. We haven’t had that many lately, so it was a bit out of the blue.
We were at a out of town shopping centre and after it closed, we got something to eat and started to drive home. Helpfully, they’d closed the bit of road I needed and hadn’t put up any diversion signs. I finally got going where I was going but I was tired and a bit under the weather and really didn’t need a 50 minute scrabble and diversion so we ended up picking at each other. The picking turned to fighting.
I’m aware that he’s not at his best either but sometimes these discussions just happen. In the six and a bit years I’ve known him, he has always threatened to leave. He means in a going missing kind of way. He asked me if I could cope with that better now. I started to cry and said that he was being stupid and that would never be ok. I said I would always look for him and it would never stop. I said it was a horrible, selfish, hurtful thing to do and it didn’t matter when, it would always be that. My mum’s first husband vanished and she still wonders, nearly 50 years later, what happened to him.
This disappearing thing is always his go to place. It’s always upset me and it feels like this threat being lorded over me. It’s one of the main reasons we broke up in the beginning. I couldn’t feel safe and secure knowing he just might go if he felt like it. I think you need to have some security in a relationship and he didn’t ever provide me with a single shred. My mum thinks it’s hot air and he’s just sounding off. It’s so hurtful and deeply distressing and it’s hard for me see past that. He says he’d tell me he was safe but that isn’t acceptable. I’ve known suicide but I haven’t had anyone just leave so I don’t know if they are similar but I expect so.
I keep telling him that he has to take himself with him, if he left. He wouldn’t suddenly stop being bipolar if he moved and changed his name. He wouldn’t miraculously be able to hold down a job or have a girlfriend. He said his biggest regret is that I know the real him. He said he wished that we’d never got close and that’s why he wants to leave. He wouldn’t then have our friendship anymore. That’s such an extremely hurtful thing to say. I’ve done everything I can to care and support him. I’ve loved him even when he’s cheated on me and always been there. It’s a shame he can’t be there for me in any way, ever.